Chud Monster
06-14-2004, 01:30 AM
Ok.. As I did last time, I'm asking for someone to read what I have written of this scene so far, and tell me what they think. Then, when you're finished reading, tell me what I need to improve upon, what I do well.. and to tell me what they got out of that like.. who IS Reine's dad.. Did you somewhat understand what was going on? Et cetera.
A number of things wont make sense because this IS the scene I'm using as an opener.
Oh, by the way.. what I put in bold and between dashes is basically her mind saying things to her. Dunno.
I thank anyone in advance for reading this. Thank you.
Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener is God!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mom," Reine's sweet voice summoned, as he continued to work diligently. I could sense his pen still easing along a parchment.
"Yes, Reine," I acknownledged my son, eyeing the spine of a single book which was of many. It stood upon one of the glorious shelves along with ancient texts and documents. All these fine papers belonged to me and me only. They were what I had slowly gathered or written over the thousands of long years of my life. My passion.
- You Regret it! -
"You need to tell me about my father someday," He replied earnestly.
His father. With those simple words, I turned around instantaneously. He looked up at that moment. His never-ending blue eyes seemed to bounce the same painful statement to me.
"It is not your time to know," I eyed his short, playful blue hair. Where had had he inherited such an unfamiliar color? I had black hair with white eyes, while his father had white hair and black eyes. Could it have been because of it?
Those eyes hurt me. Our race. Full-blooded Zeals had red eyes, but Reine was born with blue,when his parents were two full-blooded. Our eyes were unnatural because of our age, but that was no excuse for his being so out of ordinary. How had that happened?
He grunted, "You've told me that for the last fourteen years. I don't know a single thing about him. I don't even know if he's truly dead."
"Well then give me a simple question, dear. You may have fortune with an answer."
"Like you haven't said that before either."
I giggled a little to continue to say, "But how do you know I won't give you the facts this time? Go on. Ask."
I didn't plan on telling him anything. But, would I ever? The kind boy had every right to know about his biological father.
- He was your twin, Olivia. Biological twin. -
The words seered through my mind quickly, but I had to shun them off. I pressed my long fingers to my temples, trying to forced the thoughts out. They were torture.
"What was father's name?" Reine asked with a soft expression.
"Rei," I stated quietly. It had been too long since I had said that nickname last. By all the gods, if only I could speak his true name to Reine.
- Reilivia -
"So - So you named me after him?" My son questioned. He seemed to jump with the flow of those words.
- His father doesn't even know he has a son! -
I could only look up again, and smile to get the vile truth from my mind.
"Did you love my father?" His eyes seemed to avoid mine. That thought put me into a bit of confusion. Why would question that?
"Why yes, Reine," I said sternly. "I loved Rei very much. I loved him more than the world. Why would you not think I did?"
"Well, you always seem to avoid any kind of conversation of him and no one I've asked knows who he is. To me it seems you are ashamed of him or something, almost as if he was just some kind of one night stand and that I was just an accident."
- Admit it, Olivia.. He basically was just a one night stand. You did not feel for him as you did for your husband. It was lust that drew you! -
"By all the gods, you are no accident." As I said these words to reassure myself, I paced to the table he was seated at. "You are a blessing from the gods, and a gift from the man I loved. You have become my life, Reine."
"If you loved him so much, why won't you speak of him?"
- Because you should have never even thought to have loved him that way in the first place, Olivia! -
"Because," I spoke as I embraced my only child. "It hurts me."
Once again that voice whispered to my senses alone.
- He left you, Olivia! He left you for that woman! That Tabris. -
"No!" I shouted out loud, not realizing what I had just done. It had contained such volume, Reine had jumped in my arms.
"No what, Mama?" He questioned.
"N - Nothing," I stuttered, letting go of my son. "I was thinking to myself aloud."
For some reason,as I eyed him in his silence, my chest began to experience pain. I was briefly sensing his thoughts, but why now?. I couldn't lower myself to read his mind, so why could I feel them?
He suddenly gazed back at me asking, "So you have had three Rei's in your life?"
That bit of words got to me.
"What are you talking about, Reine?" I was so confused.
A number of things wont make sense because this IS the scene I'm using as an opener.
Oh, by the way.. what I put in bold and between dashes is basically her mind saying things to her. Dunno.
I thank anyone in advance for reading this. Thank you.
Grencia Mars Elijah Guo Eckener is God!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Mom," Reine's sweet voice summoned, as he continued to work diligently. I could sense his pen still easing along a parchment.
"Yes, Reine," I acknownledged my son, eyeing the spine of a single book which was of many. It stood upon one of the glorious shelves along with ancient texts and documents. All these fine papers belonged to me and me only. They were what I had slowly gathered or written over the thousands of long years of my life. My passion.
- You Regret it! -
"You need to tell me about my father someday," He replied earnestly.
His father. With those simple words, I turned around instantaneously. He looked up at that moment. His never-ending blue eyes seemed to bounce the same painful statement to me.
"It is not your time to know," I eyed his short, playful blue hair. Where had had he inherited such an unfamiliar color? I had black hair with white eyes, while his father had white hair and black eyes. Could it have been because of it?
Those eyes hurt me. Our race. Full-blooded Zeals had red eyes, but Reine was born with blue,when his parents were two full-blooded. Our eyes were unnatural because of our age, but that was no excuse for his being so out of ordinary. How had that happened?
He grunted, "You've told me that for the last fourteen years. I don't know a single thing about him. I don't even know if he's truly dead."
"Well then give me a simple question, dear. You may have fortune with an answer."
"Like you haven't said that before either."
I giggled a little to continue to say, "But how do you know I won't give you the facts this time? Go on. Ask."
I didn't plan on telling him anything. But, would I ever? The kind boy had every right to know about his biological father.
- He was your twin, Olivia. Biological twin. -
The words seered through my mind quickly, but I had to shun them off. I pressed my long fingers to my temples, trying to forced the thoughts out. They were torture.
"What was father's name?" Reine asked with a soft expression.
"Rei," I stated quietly. It had been too long since I had said that nickname last. By all the gods, if only I could speak his true name to Reine.
- Reilivia -
"So - So you named me after him?" My son questioned. He seemed to jump with the flow of those words.
- His father doesn't even know he has a son! -
I could only look up again, and smile to get the vile truth from my mind.
"Did you love my father?" His eyes seemed to avoid mine. That thought put me into a bit of confusion. Why would question that?
"Why yes, Reine," I said sternly. "I loved Rei very much. I loved him more than the world. Why would you not think I did?"
"Well, you always seem to avoid any kind of conversation of him and no one I've asked knows who he is. To me it seems you are ashamed of him or something, almost as if he was just some kind of one night stand and that I was just an accident."
- Admit it, Olivia.. He basically was just a one night stand. You did not feel for him as you did for your husband. It was lust that drew you! -
"By all the gods, you are no accident." As I said these words to reassure myself, I paced to the table he was seated at. "You are a blessing from the gods, and a gift from the man I loved. You have become my life, Reine."
"If you loved him so much, why won't you speak of him?"
- Because you should have never even thought to have loved him that way in the first place, Olivia! -
"Because," I spoke as I embraced my only child. "It hurts me."
Once again that voice whispered to my senses alone.
- He left you, Olivia! He left you for that woman! That Tabris. -
"No!" I shouted out loud, not realizing what I had just done. It had contained such volume, Reine had jumped in my arms.
"No what, Mama?" He questioned.
"N - Nothing," I stuttered, letting go of my son. "I was thinking to myself aloud."
For some reason,as I eyed him in his silence, my chest began to experience pain. I was briefly sensing his thoughts, but why now?. I couldn't lower myself to read his mind, so why could I feel them?
He suddenly gazed back at me asking, "So you have had three Rei's in your life?"
That bit of words got to me.
"What are you talking about, Reine?" I was so confused.