An empty path

[chinka]

Yeah, something I wrote a couple months ago out of boredom, I've got some friends who think it's like really good and others who are just like "wtf?", so tell me your non-subjective opinions please.

[chinka]

“Hello?” An echoing voice. “Is there anybody in there?” the voice is calm, comforting. He rolls over. Darkness all around him. Lets play that game again, where did I fall asleep today? Am I on my chair? No, I’m too comfortable, “...comfortably numb...” The floor? No, can’t be. He finally gives up, it’s a pointless game anyway.
One eye opens and he immediately can see where he is, it’s his bed. He doesn’t even bother to ask himself how he got there. The last time he fell asleep on this bed had been weeks, maybe months. It doesn’t matter where you sleep when the point of it is just to pass the time. Finding odd things to entertain himself into the depths of the night, he does what ever he can to get as little sleep as possible. “If I don’t sleep I can’t think, right?” He asks himself this question over and over again, everyday to remind himself why he doesn’t sleep. ”If I can’t think I can’t be unhappy, right?” No room for idle thought when your mind is so fogged with lack of sleep that you can barely remember what you did yesterday. No, this is not insomnia. It is simply a way to escape the depressing parts of his life. He turns down his stereo, that pink Floyd CD’s been playing for a week now, but something prevents him from ever turning it off, something he cannot see.
The stairs lay before him, they threaten him everyday. Their jagged edges protruding from the step before the last. He begins his descent. One...Two...Three...Four...slam. No, not this time. He caches himself before falling down and stumbles down the last six. His balance is terrible, it always was, but now with this new lifestyle he can barely tell up from down. It works, he’s happy. No emotion, just happy. He hates all those bitter people, people who hold grudges and are just unhappy for no reason. Why do they have to be like that? Why can’t they just be happy? Just be happy. That’s all life is supposed to be; be happy and have fun.
Heh, school. An amusing place to be, he comes here to learn something he’ll forget by tomorrow. Still, it’s a place to find some fun, people are funny, they interest him. He stands there sipping his coffee. Coffee, a great thing. It gives him the energy to not fall down, yet it still leaves him with that fog in his mind. Energy with no need for conscious thought. “This is the life,” he thinks to himself as he nods acknowledgment to another passerby. So many people.
Classes are beginning, he walks down with his friends. There are so many of them, so many people. He tries to be nice to those who hate him as he encounters them. He knows why they hate him, he can still remember that, of all things. Trying to be nice to them he says a kind hello. They just grunt back in response. “I didn’t mean to do it,” he thinks to himself, “I was stupid back then. I’m sorry if I made you feel bad, it was an accident. I swear.” Words that he could never say to them, he knows why they hate him and it can never be fixed. It’s just the way Fate works. He grins in amusement. “Fate, Destiny.” Such funny forces of nature, this “Fate” and “Destiny.” Words start running through his mind as he hums a song. “You control your life, but don’t forget your Destiny.” No, he doesn’t control his life anymore, he leaves it to Fate.
All sense of reality is lost as he walks to his next class. Another entertaining period. The teacher hates him, but only teases him occasionally in a joking manner. As long as he doesn’t disrupt her class she doesn’t mind. He plays everybody’s minds, they think he’s a good kid, that he really cares. No, they are wrong. It’s just to pass the time. To pass the time while he waits for his destiny to come to him, or for Fate to bring him to it. He sits there, it’s a pointless class. An easy credit, but he still can find so much amusement in it. Another period gone, just six more to go, but that doesn’t matter. Either way he’s just passing the time.
Another period in the day, another mask to put on. Just another mind to leave an impression on. Another personality to portray. An idle thought crosses his mind, despite his long efforts to try and put them out of his mind. “What was I again? Who was I again? What am I like for myself? What am I like, when I’m not just doing what needs to be done to continue down this path of life? The thoughts continue to flood into his mind, as if the zoo keeper unlocked all the cages and the stampedes of animals came rushing out. He begins to remember. Everything he has ever regretted, all those mistakes he ever made. Why do I always mess it up in the end? Why can’t it ever go right? So many stupid little things that he could not control going wrong. A love letter accidentally picked up by the wrong person, a dance where he just wanted to be left alone, a party where he just wanted to sit in the corner and pretend he wasn’t even there. Why didn’t he ever say anything right? Why couldn’t he just explain it the way it was? Why did he destroy his own life just to make others feel better? The world is spinning, there is no up or down. Just move forward. Walk straight. Get to class and you can sit down and forget it all again. Wait don’t forget the smile, if there is no smile the happiness isn’t real. It never is, but the smile doesn’t make it seem so fake. More amusing people, a reason to be happy. The thoughts still pass idly through the back of his mind, but they are submersing now. No more worries. Just happy. He nudges his friend in the shoulder as the girl his friend has a crush on walks by. “Eh? Eh?” He asks mockingly. His friend pushes him away in a friendly matter, shakes his head, and smiles. More fun. People are funny.
He knows too much for his own good. Although it is enough to keep him moving. The promise of more entertainment tomorrow keeps him going. He knows she likes him, but what can he do when he doesn’t like her back? He can feel important, but why? Why? Just don’t sleep. Don’t let yourself think. Just keep going and you’ll forget. Just leave it all to Fate and things will turn out the way they should.
Such vivid colors. The shadows of a living Piccaso painting are cast across his room. His mind is so asleep that he just stares at the rising sun for an eternity. It so beautiful when it’s all there is in the world. He snaps into his typical state of half consciousness and takes a look at the desk in front of him. Papers lay everywhere, work scribbled across random sheets of paper, but it’s complete and that’s all that matters. He wonders for a moment what came out this time. One more benefit of sleeping so little, he doesn’t have to think about the homework, it seems to get it done. No need to worry, when you can’t remember what there is to worry about. He turns up his stereo to listen to the soothing music produced by the Pink Floyd CD contained inside. “Iiiiiii have become...comfortably numb.” Yes. Comfortably numb. That is what he is. No more feelings, just happiness. This is the life. That phrase has become less of a statement and more of a reassurance. As long as he keeps saying this it won’t stop being true. It is too late though, he remembers better days and asks himself why he had to make it all this way.

[chinka]

This place again. School, just another day of looking for amusement. There is very little left. He doesn’t want to be doing this, playing this game. It has all become too much effort. So monotonous. When will it be fun again? When will he sleep again? Has it been a week? Or maybe just a day, since the last time he slept. Everything is a blur, focusing on anything is becoming more difficult by the minute. The world is blurring into a mass of color. “Forward,” he tells himself, reassures himself of the direction he is heading. Barely remembering to nod in acknowledgment to the buddies that pass by him he drudges to his first class.
Sitting down all he can feel is despair. He doesn’t understand it. “How can I be unhappy? I can barely remember where I am, let alone anything to be unhappy about.” He subconsciously flirts with the girl sitting next to him as the class begins, at least some part of his brain is still working. The teacher’s voice is a soft buzz as the colors outside the window pull him away from reality. He’s in a field, with vivid colors. The grass is a green he has never seen before and the flowers seem to glow all the colors of the rainbow. The wind blows as somebody taps him on the shoulder. A searing pain shoots through his arm and he begins to turn around.
“Hi,” a gentle voice whispers in his ear.
“Who is this?” He asks unaware of whether or not this is reality. It feels like it, but when did anything ever feel real? There is no way to tell. He looks at her, a blur of colors that hold some odd beauty even though he is unable to make out any of her features. The colors form a smile, and a giggle comes from this living spectrum of color. He is confused, but in the depths of his subconscious he remembers all of this happening once before. Yes, just don’t think about it, let the pieces fall the way they are supposed to. She begins to take his hand as more pain rushes through his arm. Such unbearable pain, darkness is attacking him. He hurts all over, cannot move. Just darkness, painful darkness. Lonely darkness...
The buzz of the teacher’s voice echoes on some plane of reality, but he is unable to tell where it is. “Is he O.K.?” He thinks he hears a voce say as the darkness takes over and destroys him.
A bright light is shining in his face as he tries to open his eyes. No, no light. It’s dark in the room, but nothing can be darker than what he experienced. The gray room is a reassuring piece of reality for him. He begins to wonder where he is, what happened. Is he still in school? No he’s laying down, the teacher would have said something had he fallen over. There are sheets, and a pillow. The room starts to fade together as one real place. It’s a hospital room. “****, how’d I end up here?” He accidentally spoke out loud. A voice comes from the corner of the room.
“You were brought here after you collapsed during your first period class last Friday. How do you feel?”
“Wait, last Friday? What is today? I feel fine, why should I be here?” His voice reveals the frustration that is surging through him, this is a waste of time.
“It is Monday night, and you collapsed from exhaustion as well as a lack of proper nutrition. With the way they tell me you were eating it’s amazing you lasted as long as you did like that.” The doctor remains calm, his voice maintaining a certain calm.
“What?! Like what?!”
“Well, your sleeping habits. You got at least less than a third of the amount of sleep a normal person’s body needs in order to stay healthy.”
“I’m fine the way I am.”
“Now I see why they called me...”
“What?”
“You see, I’m a psychiatrist. They told me it was more than you just over-scheduling yourself. This may take a while, so please try to work with me so we can get through this quicker.”...
Green. Just like that field. The pills the doctor gave him to help him sleep were green. Apparently he had some sort of insomnia that was caused by high levels of anxiety. Stupid doctors. He shoved the pill in his mouth and left for school. At least here he could still find some amusement. Classes went by much slower with sleep in him. He now slept at least eight hours a night. The doctor said that he had to keep a rigid schedule with his sleeping habits. He could not do what he once did. Another mistake that cannot be fixed. Another reason not to sleep, but he had to. He got in too much trouble for it before, he needed to find another way.
Finally free period came around. He sat there eating his “healthy” lunch, as opposed to the once daily coffee and muffin. As he sat there she sat down across from him. He looked at her to ask what was up and she smiled and giggled. For a moment all he saw was a swirl of color, an as she picked up a French fry from his plate she brushed his hand across his. The pain shot through his arm, like a cold chill. He grinned back, but not at her. He grinned at the amusement that Fate had thrown his way, the path that destiny had sent him down. As they began to talk something he had once read crossed his mind: “I wander down this lost path of mine, looking down on the others and I see a fork in the road of my life. Neither path has been traveled, for the world has never been explored. To pause and think would be a waste of time. To move too swiftly would be a poor use of it. Walking forward I close my eyes and hope that the toss of a coin will never fail me when I can not see what it is, that lays ahead.”

[chinka]

:-*( nobody reads my work